Snippet Sunday – Hard-Boiled/Noir WIP – May 1, 2016

Snippet Sunday is a Facebook group for writers I’ve been hanging out with.

From the group guidelines; “Welcome to Snippet Sunday, where writers come together to share a few sentences of their current project–whether it’s a recently released novel, a WIP (work in progress), or an older manuscript that’s being revived. Intended to hook readers, gather feedback and build an author’s fan base, Snippet Sunday is the FB group that does all three.”

When we last left our heroes, Marisa had just confided some past abuse- and her novel solution to the situation- to Jake. Marisa had elicited a promise from an inebriated Jed to never hit her again. The action picks up right where the most recent snippet left off, with Jake asking her if Jed had been holding up his end of the bargain of late.

Her response? She says, “More or less.”

We pick it up with Jake asking another question;

 

“Which has it been lately?”

She took far too long to answer that question too. I gave her the out by asking an easier one.

“How long have you two been exes?”

She sloughed off my arms from around her waist, then waved the back of her ring-less left hand in front of my face.

“Yeah,” I said. “I noticed that back on the beach. Doesn’t really mean anything.”

The freckles on her cheeks reddened as she got sore. Heat spread into her sharp blue eyes.

“It means it’s been long enough.”

“We’re talking years? Months? Hours?”

She placed one hand on my shoulder, pulling me toward her. The clean ocean scent of her hair chased the stale barroom air for a couple of seconds.

“You know, Jake.” she rasped, right into my ear, “you’re beginning to sound like a guy who doesn’t want to take me home tonight.”

I glanced at Jed’s end of the bar. His buddies had all occupied stools and, like their leader, sat in silence, not looking at Marisa and me. Everyone who’d been anywhere near that part of the bar had moved away.

“Your boy sure is the life of the party,” I said, lifting my head back up. She left her hand on my shoulder.

“Why? What’s he doing now?”

“Not a damned thing.”

“That’s how he is,” she said with a shrug. “He looks like the big, loud type, doesn’t he? Well, he’s not.”

“Until it’s clobbering time.”

“Even then he’s pretty quiet.”

We shut up for a little while. Marisa began moving her hips in time to the slow blues number coming out of the juke box. I allowed mine to follow her lead.

“He could have something on his mind tonight,” she said.

“You mean other than you and me?” I put my arms around her as we danced.

“Bigger than you and me, Jake. Much bigger.”

I felt eyes on me from all around the bar, probably every eye in the place, except for those belonging to Jed and his pals.

“Bigger?” I asked. “What might that be?”

Thanks for stopping by and thanks for any feedback you feel inclined to leave.

Please take the time to check out other Snippet Sunday authors.

Here’s a handy link to use;

https://www.facebook.com/groups/SnippetSunday/1031115100308007/?notif_t=group_activity&notif_id=1462046471323755

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Posted on May 1, 2016, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. Hmmm, I wonder what he had in mind. Love the reaction of the people in the bar…great snippet!

    Like

  2. Hum, another surprise. That sounds like big trouble, nothing is good when Jed is involved.

    (You might want to have a look at your names, I think you said Jake twice instead of Jed: “I glanced at Jake’s end of the bar.” and “except for those belonging to Jake and his pals.” )

    Like

  3. Great continuation of the story … I got a bit confused with the names though, Jake and Jed.

    Like

  4. Still love the back-and-forth dialogue in this one. “It’s clobbering time” made me literally laugh out loud. Not sure if the superhero reference was intentional, but I enjoyed it anyway. 😉

    Like

  5. Intriguing, as to what the bad guy could be up to next. Enjoyed the excerpt.

    Like

  6. Does she know what he is planning?

    Like

  7. I’m dying to know what’s bigger than them! This is getting really interesting!

    Like

  8. This is really, really good, Jeff. You’ve hit the feeling of gritty noir perfectly. Bravo!

    Like

  9. Oh, I’m intrigued. What in the would could he and his buddies be planning? ‘Cause Jed doesn’t seem the type to let his ex-wife just pick up with another guy without making it known he’s displeased. Enjoyed the snippet.

    Like

  10. Great cliffhanger! I love the delicious tension in this story.

    Like

  11. Your descriptions of what the people are doing are so understated yet detailed.

    And that’s an evil place to leave us.

    Like

  12. Really enjoyed the dialogue, and you moved really well from darkly humorous to serious to kind of scary. It’s got a great feel to it. Look forward to the next instalment!

    Like

  13. Wow–he needs to walk away from her and from the ass-kicking it looks like is coming his way. Is she using him? Good scene, Jeff. 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: