Snippet Sunday – Hard-Boiled/Noir WIP – December 13, 2015

Snippet Sunday is a Facebook group for writers I’ve been privileged enough to have been accepted into.

From the group guidelines; “Welcome to Snippet Sunday, where writers come together to share a few sentences of their current project–whether it’s a recently released novel, a WIP (work in progress), or an older manuscript that’s being revived. Intended to hook readers, gather feedback and build an author’s fan base, Snippet Sunday is the FB group that does all three.”

Today’s snippet takes us back to early on in the story. Jake and Marisa have met on the beach and are now enjoying an evening together in Beau’s Bar & Grill when Jake thinks he notices someone watching them…

“Who’s that guy over there?” I indicated direction with a backward nod.
She got up on her tiptoes to look over my shoulder.
“Nobody, Jake,” she said, trying to hide a sigh. “That’s nobody.”
I waited for her to tell me more. She didn’t.
“This is a small town,” I prompted. “Everybody’s somebody here.”
I swung us around so I faced the man.
The poor light over his back-corner booth concealed a lot, but couldn’t hide the man’s sheer bulk. He took up better than half of the space, from side-to-side, on the bench and appeared even bigger when he leaned forward with his elbows on the table. The size of his hand made the beer bottle he held look like one of those liquor bottles they gave out on airplanes.
I was able to make out the shape of his bald head against the darkness behind him. The occasional flare of his cigarette revealed a wide nose and thick dark eyebrows. The eyes themselves remained hidden in shadow. I felt more than saw them on us as Marisa and I made our way across the dance floor.
I returned the stare for a long couple of seconds, then turned my attention back to Marisa.
“What does a big city man know about small towns anyway?” she asked.
“Is there something about this small town I should know?”
The blues ballad faded into something upbeat. We continued to slow dance. I slid my hand down to the small of her back.
The man in the back-corner booth’s cigarette flared a little brighter.

Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for any feedback you feel inclined to leave.

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Posted on December 13, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. I like the contrast of the slow dancing and the big guy in the booth. And small town settings are always great!

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  2. I love the way the cigarette speaks to the man’s reaction to seeing the two of them.

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  3. hum, more secrets. It’s like nobody ever wants to tell him anything.

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  4. Ah, communication. She’s saying so much in her silences. Great snippet, Jeff. 🙂

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  5. This is a seriously BIG guy you’re describing and I love how you do it with the details, like the bottle. The dancing was a very nice touch to the scene as well. I always enjoy your snippets!

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  6. Jake is tempting the fates a bit it seems…

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  7. Karen Michelle Nutt

    I love how you used the flare of the cigarette as a tool for the guy’s emotions. Don’t think he’s pleased at where Jake’s hand is resting on Marisa as they slow dances. lol

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  8. The beginning hooked me, but the last two lines reeled me in and hauled me into the boat! (How’s that for belaboring a metaphor?) Great snippet!

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  9. Nice stuff … liked the dialogue and descriptions

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