#SnippetSunday – As Yet Unnamed WIP (Vigilante/Noir) – October 12, 2014

Snippet Sunday is a Facebook group for writers I’ve been privileged enough to have been accepted into.

From the group guidelines;

“Welcome to Snippet Sunday, where writers come together to share a few sentences of their current project–whether it’s a recently released novel, a WIP (work in progress), or an older manuscript that’s being revived. Intended to hook readers, gather feedback and build an author’s fan base, Snippet Sunday is the FB group that does all three.”

This week’s snippet is a re-working of last week’s snippet– it’s the second half of the first fight we see Meyer in. I wasn’t happy with a lot of things in last week’s snippet & got some great advice from several readers (thank you!). So here’s take two of Meyer vs Rebar Guy…

I felt the wind on my face at about the same time I noticed Danny hustling my way. His good hand hovered near his hip.
I dropped into a clumsy crouch as a foot and a half of rebar sliced through the space where my head had been.
The swing and a miss sent Rebar Guy– a wiry army fatigue-wearing guy with a shaved head and a prominent chin– stumbling toward Danny.
I snapped off a low back kick before Rebar Guy regained his footing.
He howled as the ligaments in his right knee came apart.
I jumped on his back, forcing him down on his injured knee.
He howled some more and took blind, backwards swats at me with the rebar.
I threw my arm over his shoulder and around his neck, positioned my bicep against his throat, then squeezed.
He let go of the rebar. The clang of metal on sidewalk got lost in the cold silence of combat.
I braced my other forearm against the back his neck, increasing the pressure on his carotid arteries.
One last, desperate elbow found the mark, catching me low on the left side of my ribcage. I let my breath out through my teeth and tightened the choke hold.
Rebar Guy flailed for another few seconds, then went slack in my arms.
I let him fall, watching his chest for signs of respiration.

Thanks for reading!

Advertisements

Posted on October 12, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. The details are a good addition, Jeff. I like last week’s, too, but I can sense the impact from Meyer’s first fight in this—he’s working for it, now.

    Very nice! 🙂

    ____

    If I could suggest one tiny thing? I’m wondering if the impact of “Rebar Guy” (I love Meyer’s nicknaming habit!) might be ever better if the first time he uses it in this bit is taken out, in favor of the second (maybe change that sentence to something like “The swing and a miss sent a wiry army fatigue-wearing guy with a shaved head and a prominent chin stumbling toward Danny.”). The second placement is timed so beautifully that I’d like to see it emphasized.

    But please feel free to ignore me—it’s a good passage that doesn’t need any fiddling from me. 🙂

    Like

  2. “He howled as the ligaments in his right knee came apart.”

    Ouch, ouch and OUCH!

    Like

  3. That was one intense scene. I could picture everything. Can’t wait for next week.

    Like

  4. Very nice. It felt real.

    Like

  5. Wow, now I wonder how many of them he is going to take down.

    Like

  6. Really, really great! This was fun to see the changes! This line though…
    The clang of metal on sidewalk got lost in the cold silence of combat.
    Freaking awesome. Great line. Great snippet. See ya next week!

    Like

  7. Hey Jeff, this was an exciting snippet, but it kinda reads like a list of actions. You might want to add some sensory data (smells, sounds (other than the guy’s howls and crunches), tastes, and sensations) to your narrative to anchor us in your characters’ actions. Also I’d replace the second “guy” with “man” in this sentence to avoid repeats: “The swing and a miss sent Rebar Guy– a wiry army fatigue-wearing guy with a shaved head and a prominent chin– stumbling toward Danny.” Nicely done. 🙂

    Like

  8. Great intensity and details.

    Like

  9. Wow, what an intense scene … well done on the details.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: