Cock-Blocked By Cupid – A Love Bites Blog-Hop Story

Written for the Love Bites Anti-Valentine Blog Hop… Read the other entries here!

http://40somethingundomesticateddevil.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/love-bites-anti-valentine-blog-hop-2014.html

Cock-Blocked By Cupid

The pain hit me just as I leaned in to plant a kiss on Monique, a stabbing pain, near my left shoulder.

I tried to ignore it, to concentrate on the task at hand, which, at the moment, involved separating Monique from her panties.

Then I lost my mind, Didn’t know how, didn’t know why, but I started running at the mouth.

“I love you, baby,” I babbled. “I’m all in, babe, as in forever.” The words fell out before I could stop them. “All in! Flower arrangements! Centerpieces! China patterns!”

She put her hands on my shoulders, pushing me back.

“You’re scaring me, Mack!” she yelped. “What the fuck are you saying?”

What the fuck was I saying?

And what was the sharp pain in my back all about?

I looked at her with pleading eyes. She looked back in a way that told me my chances of nailing her just went from, ‘iron-clad sure’, to, ‘not if you had the last dick on earth’.

I dug deep and opened my mouth to say something manfully insensitive, to get some swagger back.
That’s not what came out.

She bailed on me halfway through the first verse of, “The Wind Beneath My Wings”.

I watched, helpless, as she scooted out the passenger-side door and took off down the street.

Maybe I was dying. Death by Bette Midler, that’s a thing, isn’t it?

I sat back in the driver’s seat, then jumped forward as the sharp pain in my back flared up again. I got out of the car, reaching around to feel for a wound.

What I found was an arrow. An arrow. Lodged in my back, just above the shoulder-blade.

I took a deep breath, then yanked it out.

The pain stopped right away.

I took a look at the arrow, turning the gleaming red and white missile over in my hands. The shaft was covered in hearts. Hearts. Someone had painted hearts on the arrow.

I don’t know what inspired me to look up at that moment, but look I did, and when I did I caught a flash of motion in the trees just up the ridge.

A closer look revealed a man– a tall, thin, pale man dressed all in white– carrying a bow.

I cast one last lovelorn stare in the direction Monique had run off in, then growled and barreled out of the car.

“You!” I snarled, heading right after the guy with the bow.

He saw me at the last second and tried to run.

I tackled him, sending the both of us rolling down the ridge.

He got away from me when we hit the bottom. I leaped up, ready for a fight.

“What did you do to me?” I demanded.

“It’s Valentine’s Day, jackass,” he replied. “What do you think I did to you?”

I stared at him. He stared back.

He was a tall guy with long hair, but there was something… cherubic about his face.

“Oh no,” I muttered. “You’re… you’re… no. Can’t be.”

“Yeah, pal,” he said. “It’s me. Cupid. Eros. Doctor Love. Whatever. It’s me.”

“But you don’t look like…”

“I’m a god. I can look however I choose.”

“You fucking shot me!”

“What can I tell you?” He laughed. “You were there. She was there. Love was in the air. It’s what I do.”

“It’s what you do?” I glowered and grumbled. “Undo it,” I insisted. “Now.”

“Relax, buddy,” he said. “The feelings’ll fade in a couple of days. You’ve got one hell of a story to tell the boys at the bar.”

“I do? What am I gonna tell ’em? Hey, guys, the other night, down at the park? I was closing the deal with Monique when, bang! Cock-blocked by Cupid!”

“Get over yourself,” he said, “I’ve heard worse.”

He started to walk away.

“How could it be worse?” I called after him.

He stopped and turned back.

“I let you off easy with the Bette Midler, Mack. It could’ve been Celine Dion.”

 

685 words

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Posted on February 11, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. OMG, I love this! ROFL! I can’t stop laughing! Pure awesomeness, Jeff!

    Like

  2. Bette Midler, lol…awkward wouldn’t even be the word for it!

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  3. Nice

    Like

  4. AHAHAAHA! This is GREAT! And the title is awesome. 🙂

    Like

  5. Loved this! The title could not be ignored–I had to read it, and I’m glad I did because it had me laughing 🙂

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  6. That is so brilliant and hilarious. I love the idea that the woman runs when he gets all mushy too! Great dialogue, love Cupid’s attitude! Great writing Jeff.

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  7. I’ll let you know when I stop laughing. Well done!

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  8. This is hilarious! Absolutely wonderful stuff. Love the voice, tone and flow. Good job! x

    Like

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